Mr. Saxton

My mom found a drawing of mine. More of a doodle really but I guess that doesn't matter to anyone else. When I was little I used to think my mom was an artist. I still do. But when I was little and thought if I failed first grade they would send me back to Kindergarten I also thought my mom was the most amazingly talented human being. She's always encouraged me towards art. Drawing. Writing. Music. Doesn't matter. She was there for. She was onboard.  

"I like this," she said holding up the drawing of mine she had found. I always leave things everywhere. I forget about them, dismiss them. Move on. I left the drawing on her desk. It's a picture of a man, his head and shoulders with a badly drawn drawn tie trailing down into the blank space of the typing paper I drew it on. I don't know what ties look like. He is also wearing glasses. I don't know what glasses really look like either. I tend not to pay attention to the glasses people wear. I'm too busy trying to keep eye contact. I wear glasses too. But I'm too busy using them to see to look at them.  
"Was this one of your teachers?"

I don't know if she means before college or during. I guess that doesn't matter either.  

"No." She shrugged and handed the paper to me. I don't know if she wants me to keep it or throw it away. It's my mom so she probably doesn't care what I do with it.
 
Mr. Saxton

That's what it says next to his head. I never had a teacher named Mr. Saxton. I never had a teacher that looked like the guy I drew. Well not really. He is a teacher. I only call teachers mister and Ms or Doctor if they are a doctor. Everyone else is Miss So-and-so or ma'am or sir. I call my boss "Miss Teresa", cause it feels weird calling her Teresa. I call the Assistant Manager Pam "Pam". I guess it's because she's closer to my age and isn't the boss. But Mr. Saxton is a teacher. I guess he is a college teacher but not a doctor. I don't know if all teachers in college are called professors but I called all of my teachers "Professor" whether they had a doctorate or not. I never was corrected.  

Mr. Saxton is a professor. I know this because I could never have had a relationship with one of my high school teachers. I can't see myself having a relationship with one of my professors either, but I could probably do it. I didn't. Like I said. Mr. Saxton wasn't one of my teachers. He isn't real. He's a drawing. A spark of creativity. A smudge of imagination. A dream I had once of me having a relationship with a professor. I have had a lot of different dreams. None of them reoccurring. But for a week I tried to force myself to dream about Mr. Saxton again. I've never successfully forced myself to dream about anything.
 
Sometimes I dream I am in this one particular mall or one particular school. I think I have created a whole world where my dreams take place and I use certain places like sets for a movie. They are never the same dream but the settings are the same. The people and my dreams are like actors. I wish I knew who they really were, but they probably aren't anything like the people in the roles they play. Mr. Saxton has been a guy in coffee shop. He's also been a salesman. He's been typecasted. He's a normal guy. Not extraordinary. Not overly beautiful. He spills coffee on his favorite shirt, forgets to set his alarm, and drops his keys. He's never done anything great. His hair is grey around his temples.  
       
He's not real though. And I have to pull myself out of my thoughts of him. They make me sad. I want him to be real you see. I want to drag him out of my dreams. I know that it would just make me more sad though. If he were real. Because I don't go to coffee shops. Salesmen never come to our house. I'm not in school. Our paths would never cross.  
       
I put the picture on my nightstand. Maybe I'll dream more about my Mr. Saxton this way. This way. It's better this way.